Ghost Of The Past

 04/06/21

Hello my Dear Diary

I was blaming myself all the time , but i feel that  it is too late to regret and to fix it because it is just some broken pieces of past now , so i am thinking to deal with this heavy thoughts on my back in other ways ....
The first ideas which come to my mind were all about taking revenge on me by torturing myself in a good deserving way but i realize after that it will not take back anything if i do
So i think again about other way that can take me out of this storm which is going to destroy me , i find that i need to continue my life normally like nothing has happened but i failed to do it , the ghost of past is running after me and i get caught everytime i try to escape
I was thinking so much but no solution left for me , so i choose to ask others about what i should do but i did not have the courage to admit what i have done so i took back my steps and back in the circle
The last way was isolating myself so i can forget what is around me and who i am in front of others , i was just facing myself with empty present activities , but it leads to a closed way and i fall another time in the same problem
And here we go again , i was feeling very disgusted of myself then i had the intention to change all of me , like becoming another person with clean pages of past , but it doesn't work in the end , i was seeing myself in the mirror and recognizing myself , it is hard to change your identity because you can not erase your memories
The only thing that i wished is to get away of anything i was and make a new version of me but it feels like impossible ,i was going insane , in the level at losing my mind of the overthinking so i liked to take a break and it was the way of getting drugged , unconnected with my reality , it feels like going to another world but when the dose doesn't last for so long i came back to the sad reality and i just hate myself more and more , the sins just getting heavier and nothing get solved yet and it was just a waste of time
They say that the love can make your heart alive again , and can bring the life to your dying soul in order to be a one self with your lover , i was searching from the bottom of my heart to find such love but i find out it is just an illusion , never find the true love and i went out with a conclusion that the love is just based about the Desire , the Need , the Satisfaction
In the end i lost the ability to react over anything is happening in my boring life , i was working on my own projects and just sell them ,i was doing my stuff online , i am good at it ...
Now i am waking up from a terrible nightmare , i am all sweating , i can not even breath regularly , it was all bloody , and my hands are the criminals , it was just an accident but it was caused by me and i can not move on , it is just getting worst ,  well even in my dreams i can not run away from the past
It is a long way to heal yourself from old scares which are very deep under your skin , it is very tiring to live in the past while the train of life is going on without waiting anyone , i know that it is unbelievable to trust my words in other terms you can feel what i am seeing only if you try the same , it is just fake when you say to someone that you can feel him and you were not in the same situation although we are all the same by nature but we can not ignore that our environment can modify our ways to see things ....
Broken but still not giving up yet , i am still fighting and i do believe that my past can not kill me easily , i am strong enough to watch the most hurtful memories at every moment and not surrender to be a slave of my past .

                              By a daily fighter of        regreful past memories

Written by : Hajar Belhachmi